Going through a divorce may be the hardest thing that’s ever happened to you. This is a person you were married to and trusted for so long. Suddenly it feels like there isn’t trust or good feelings between you any longer. And sending your children off to be with their other parent on the weekends is difficult to say the least. It may be helpful to read books on the subject to help you navigate this situation (I recommend Mom’s House Dad’s House by Isolina Ricci as a great starting point).
One of the most important things to remember throughout this difficult process is to refrain from saying negative things about your co-parent in front of your children. That may seem like a no-brainer but you’d be surprised at how often I’ve heard parents complain and voice negativity about their exes with their children in the room. They may think they aren’t listening or don’t yet understand what is being said, but I guarantee they know more than you probably give them credit for! Kids are astute listeners when they want to be and because they are trying to figure out this divorce thing for themselves I guarantee they are listening to the adults in their life!
You may think: well my kid needs to know my side of the story, or my ex is bad mouthing me so I have to stand up for myself. I see the temptation to explain your side. But here’s where the best interests of your child should trump your own needs. Your child is part of you and also a part of your ex. If you criticize their other parent in front of them, you are, in a sense, criticizing your child. They will have a relationship with both parents their whole lives. As they get older, they will have more say in how much or little time they wish to spend with either of you. Do you think they would choose to spend time with a parent who was bad mouthing their mom or dad or would they rather spend time with a parent who takes the high road and leaves the negativity in their therapist’s office?
Another rule of thumb: if your kid comes to you and asks questions or wants to talk about their other parent and you are unable to have this discussion without bringing in negativity or allying with them against their other parent, it may be time to find a therapist for your child. Your relationship with your ex is far different then your child’s relationship with them and it is important for them to understand and process their own relationship with their divorced parents with a trained professional who can help them navigate these tricky waters. As I said, they will have some type of relationship with their other parent their whole lives and the sooner they learn to figure it out the less your divorce will have a negative effect on them.
Keeping these two rules in mind while co-parenting will help your children immensely. And make sure you are taking time for yourself to get the support you need, whether it is through therapy or just calling a good friend and going on a walk together. It may be just what you need to unload, recharge and help heal yourself.